Neutrality in Your Own Life, inspired by Mediator Elizabeth Franz
Margaux Trexler
Neutrality in Your Own Life, inspired by Mediator Elizabeth Franz of Humanz Mediate
As I continue with my Basic Mediation Training at Humanz Mediate, a core concept that keeps coming up is neutrality. As mediators, it is our responsibility to remain neutral during conversations and stay grounded in the idea that conflict is neither positive nor negative; it is neutral. We resist favoring participants, account for and work toward dismantling our biases and keep our opinions to ourselves.
While many aspects of mediation can serve us in our personal lives, neutrality is not one of them. To be neutral in your own life is to take a back seat in your lived experiences and allow things to happen to you rather than making things happen yourself.
I recently went through a breakup with my partner of several years. The separation was unexpected, and I felt overwhelmed by the declaration that something that I thought was so consistent in my life was now ended. The breakup was not my idea, and after it happened, I felt lost and out of control.
In the weeks after, I kept holding on to the fact that this breakup was something I had no say in, something that happened to me rather than something I was taking part in. I couldn’t begin to work through what was happening because I had yet to claim that I had any part in it. I was neutral in my own life, which caused a standstill in my personal growth and healing process.
I was talking to my mom on the phone one-night post breakup and saying something along the lines of, “I just can’t believe this happened to me. I feel so disrespected and unvalued. I feel like I have no control over my life right now.”
My mom let me finish talking, and then she said, “I know this is hard. But while you feel like you don’t have control over your life, you do. You can choose where to put your energy and time. Instead of dwelling on what happened, focus on what you can make happen for yourself in the future.”
She was right. I had accepted that since the breakup took me by surprise, I now had no say in the direction of my life. I was letting life happen to me, being neutral, and that passivity was causing a lot of the hurt and grief I was feeling.
After my conversation with my mom, I started making active choices in my life again. I started working out regularly, reaching out to friends, reading new books, and trying new foods. I started to feel in control of my life again. While in mediation, neutrality is the game of the game; in our personal lives, you have to be partial in what you want, deserve, and work for. Once I made that switch, my perception of my breakup and my future changed from dismal to a world of endless paths. And I had a voice in deciding which way I would go.
Neutrality in your own life ensures there is a balance of power between the conflicting parties. Neutrality is sentential in overcoming conflict and especially when you want to make serious decisions in your life.
